


[Insert Title Here]

by wandawoman



Category: Fake News RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-21
Updated: 2018-01-21
Packaged: 2019-03-07 16:00:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13438266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wandawoman/pseuds/wandawoman
Summary: A kind of Letterman-like scandal with Jon and Stephen in a wifeless AU. Um...





	[Insert Title Here]

**Author's Note:**

> An old fic from my fake news fandom days, imported here purely because I hate it when fic gets lost when platforms go down. I was in high school when I wrote this, so consider that your fair warning.

[OPENING]

 

 

[final chords of intro]

 

 

[AUDIENCE cheers loudly and persistently]

 

 

[JON:]

“Welcome to the Daily Show! My name is Jon Stewart, and boy do we have a show for you tonight! Neil deGrasse Tyson is here!”

 

 

[AUDIENCE erupts in cheers again]

 

 

[JON waits for audience to calm down]

“So, over the weekend I was, as usual, reading my [name of newspaper (or magazine) with high gossip percentage here]…”

 

 

[AUDIENCE chuckles]

 

 

[JON:]

“How else am I going to find out what’s going on with [popular celebrity name here]?”

 

 

[AUDIENCE chuckles]

 

 

[JON:]

“Anyway, so I was browsing it and I saw this picture, and I thought to myself ‘Hey, that guy looks familiar’.”

 

 

[JON holds up newspaper, points at large picture of himself on front page]

 

 

[AUDIENCE laughs]

 

 

[JON:]

“So I check out the title, and it’s about some guy named ‘Jon Stewart’ and I think ‘That name kind of rings a bell’.”

 

 

[JON points out headline “Jon Stewart Sex Scandal!”]

 

[AUDIENCE laughs]

 

 

[JON:]

“And of course the title sound very promising. So I read it. It’s about this guy, Jon Stewart, and he’s kind of a whore. It seems like he’s been sleeping with everyone on his staff for a while now, and everybody knows that. But now, thanks to [newspaper’s name here]’s intrepid investigative reporting, there’s finally proof! Well, not of the apparently countless affairs, but at least of one! Turns out, and insider provided [newspaper’s name here] with undeniable evidence that that guy is sleeping with one of his co-workers. And the really scandalous part is…”

 

 

[JON lowers his voice to a theatric whisper]

“… it’s a guy!”

 

 

[AUDIENCE laughs]

 

 

[JON:]

“So of course, I was titillated. It looked like a really nice little scandal to me. But then, after the first excitement had passed, I was feeling, I don’t know… empty. Like something was missing. So I read the article again, and I realized what was making my grapevine senses tingle. There just wasn’t enough in the article to really get this guy! I mean, he seems like a real bastard.”

 

 

[AUDIENCE chuckles]

 

 

[JON:]

“And, you know, the title does promise it’s a sex scandal. But somehow… I don’t know, it just seemed like something was missing. So of course I pulled out my handy dandy sex scandal checklist…”

 

[JON pulls out what resembles a Blue’s Clues armchair-shaped notebook, except for the big words SEX SCANDAL on the front and holds it for the AUDIENCE to see]

 

 

[AUDIENCE laughs, one person catcalls]

 

 

[JON:]

“… I have a three-year-old. Er, wait, actually, on second thought, this wasn’t the best thing to say in this context…”

 

 

[AUDIENCE chuckles]

 

 

[JON thumbs through the notebook, muttering to himself]

“So…cheating on spouse? No, the guy is single… Hot threesome with an underage girl? No… Orgy involving at least one member of the clergy and a dancing parrot? Er, not really… a violation of the sodomy law of 1892? No, that was overturned in 1980… How about theTexas sodomy law? No, that was overturned in 2003… how about sex tape on the internet? Dammit, there’s not even a sex tape!”

 

 

[AUDIENCE laughs]

 

 

[JON looks up at AUDIENCE, frustrated]

“Nothing fits! Man, this guy is slippery!”

 

 

[AUDIENCE laughs]

 

 

[JON]

“I mean, it’s almost as if they want him to get away without public scorn! They-

 

 

[JON brandishes the newspaper]

 

“-won’t even print that incriminating evidence they have. Shame on you, [newspaper name here]! Why can’t you follow the great tradition of our noble tabloid newspapers? They have clearly shown us that everybody’s private affairs are best dealt with in public.”

 

 

[JON turns to AUDIENCE]

“So, if, if I may, I appeal to you. If you have anything on this guy, anything at all, send it to [newspaper’s name here]. We’ve got to break this bastard!”

 

 

[AUDIENCE laughs and cheers]

 

 

[JON giggles and looks at newspaper]

“Really? I mean, seriously?”

 

 

[JON giggles again.]

“Anyway, turning now to real news…”

 

 

 

\----------------------

 

 

 

[TOSS]

 

 

[JON]

“Welcome back! Before we go, we check in with our good friend Stephen Colbert over at the Colbert Report! Stephen!”

 

 

[AUDIENCE cheers loudly]

 

 

[STEPHEN, coldly]

“Jon.”

 

 

[JON]

“So, what’s up, Stephen?”

 

 

[STEPHEN, suspiciously]

“Why do you ask?”

 

 

[JON]

“Well, we always do a toss from my show to yours during which we banter, so I thought I’d start by ask-”

 

 

[STEPHEN]

“I know what your excuse is, Jon. I meant your real reason.”

 

 

[JON]

“Um… we do this every week, Stephen. It’s the same as always.”

 

 

[STEPHEN breaking his cold façade]

“No it’s not! Before, I thought I could trust you! But now I know you’re one of them!”

 

 

[JON]

“Are you, by any chance, referring to the [newspaper’s name here] article?”

 

 

[STEPHEN]

“What else! All these years I’ve been staying strong and fighting the homosexual agenda and now it turns out you’re one of them! You’ve been trying to turn me gay since day one! I always thought that you didn’t know what you were doing, that with your wishy-washy liberal mindset you couldn’t see what they were doing to you. But you were in on it! And you, you-“

 

 

[STEPHEN breaks off, panting heavily]

 

 

[JON]

“Stephen,-”

 

 

[STEPHEN]

“Don’t you ‘Stephen’ me! You’re going burn in Hell and you’re trying to drag me down with you!”

 

 

[JON]

“Stephen-”

 

 

[STEPHEN]

“It’s as if you know I’ll follow! And God will hate me, and, and-”

 

 

[STEPHEN sobs]

 

 

[STEPHEN suddenly composes himself completely]

“And coming up next is the Colbert Report! Jon?”

 

 

[JON looks completely baffled, shakes his head]

“Sometimes I don’t know how I can stand to live with that man. Anyway, that’s all for tonight, folks. Join us tomorrow night at eleven. Now here it is, your… Moment of Zen!”

 

 

[JON giggles]

 

 

 

\-------------------------

 

 

 

[MOMENT OF ZEN]

 

 

[view of JON sitting at his desk]

 

[STEPHEN enters stage, approaches JON]

“Jon!”

 

 

[JON turns towards STEPHEN, gets up]

 

 

[STEPHEN, continuing to draw closer to JON]

“You liberal, un-American, godless sodomite!”

 

 

[STEPHEN grabs JON by the shoulders]

 

 

[JON]

“Ste-mmph!”

 

[STEPHEN dips JON backwards into a long, deep kiss]

 

 

[AUDIENCE goes crazy]

 

 

[kiss continues and grown more comfortable as credits roll]

 

 

[image now solely in the upper right corner of the screen]

 

 

[STEPHEN and JON straighten up, arms around each other’s back, grin at camera]

 

 

[STEPHEN and JON blow a kiss at the camera]

 

 

[screen goes black]

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted 06 October 2009 at https://fakenews-fanfic.livejournal.com/841455.html


End file.
